Do you think I’ll get off?
Further a telephone conversation with one of your representatives I’m writing with regards to Penalty Charge Notice BM40473618.
Last Saturday I parked my Car at Aston Villa Football Club to watch the aforementioned Club in a lack luster performance against Sunderland AFC. At this point I feel it is pertinent to point out that Sunderland have won an impressive zero away games all season and are competing with Birmingham City in a relegation dog fight to maintain survival in the Premier Division. I wish them well. I also feel at this early stage in my correspondence it makes sense to point out that my automobile was parked on a grass verge along with at least 100 other miserable supporters whom – like me – I would suggest part their car in the same vicinity on a regular basis.
I returned to my car after what was a pitiful performance by the Claret and Blue boys in a dreary, nah, shambolic defeat against who are ordinarily one of the leagues whipping boys. Not only was it the coldest day on record for the year – I had to bring out the emergency spare socks - but it was also bucketing it down. You can imagine my joy. I also took my nephew to his second ever game (the first being a 0-0 bore draw with the usually entertaining Liverpool) so wasn’t in the most jovial of moods. In fact I see my nephew as a jinx on Villa’s performances and he’ll need top seriously buck his ideas up if he is to join me on my travels to Aston B6 for future games. However, I digress.
To my absolute delight on arriving back at my automobile (note the irony) I found a parking ticket had been delicately placed on my car. Imagine my initial surprise at receiving such a fine – especially when you consider I, along with at least 100 other Villa fans – or should they now be called “Financial Contributors to Birmingham’s Highways Department” – have parked on the same piece of grass for approximately the last 6 years (or to be more precise, 114 games, or 10,260 minutes – plus drinking time).
My initial surmising were that this was either a hoax, or had been placed on my motor vehicle by some Villa despising Bobby from the Blue half of the City. I quickly dismissed this line of thought as a) Police Officers are stood opposite my parking space every week and therefore have failed to “nab” me for the previous 10,170 minutes and b) it’s highly unlikely that a member of Her Majesty’s Police Force – whom I assume need to establish a certain level of IQ and integrity – support the driveling low life’s from Small Heath. Further investigation was therefore required.
So, on this course of further investigation, it transpired that I had been issued with the ticket as my car was “Stopped on a Red Route” (46N Stopped where prohibited). Now, forgive me for being cynical, but I do believe that a grass verge situated at a 45 degree angle, separated from the road by a 5 ft wide pavement does not constitute any route – be it Red or otherwise.
I therefore took it upon myself to speak to one of your representative in person at the Council Offices to see if I could a) clarify which of the particular blades of grass I had parked on constituted a red route, and b) manage to appeal to their better nature and erase the Penalty Charge. After several minutes being kept on hold and being notified in a dulcet Brummy tone that “my call is important” and “we are experiencing a high level of traffic” (who knows – maybe it was the veritable cornucopia of Villa fans who had been suckered - I mean – penalized) I was informed that I’d need to contact an alternative number. Smashing.
After round two of the telephone waiting game, I managed to speak to a nice Gentleman whom – although empathizing – informed me that parking on a grass verge, no matter how far from the road, was still classed as a Red Route. When asked why I’d not be penalized for parking there for the previous 2190 days, he surmised that “maybe some of the local residents may have complained”. Now, again forgive me for being a cynic, and I apologise if you are not familiar with Aston Hall Road, Aston, but I don’t feel that the illegal occupants of the derelict houses on the road a) really give a rats behind whether I park on the grass verge or not and b) being tenants of the “non paying kind” (I think you get my drift) aren’t really in any position to be complaining about activities of the illegal type. The words kettle and pot and black would spring to mind.
I am therefore writing to your good selves to lodge my appeal against this Penalty Charge Notice and to argue, nah insist, that you quash the notice on the grounds that not only is it unfair, it is completely unfounded, as I was parked further than 10 foot from the road.
If however, I am found to be in breach of the regulations and am forced to pay the fine and – as your telephone operative pointed out – the grass verge is actually classed as being part of the ‘red route’ does that mean I can drive along it futuristically? If this is the case then can you please clarify this in writing as that will save me a great deal of time traveling to work in the future as I’ll be legitimately able to travel to work on the special designated “grass verge red routes” and off-road it whilst other those other ‘suckers’ wait on the highway.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to receiving your decision.
Kind regards,
Zak Edwards.
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